Toys 'R' Us Press Conference Ends with Xanax Pills Everywhere


Published on 2017-10-02

WAYNE, NEW JERSEY -- Toys "R" Us declared bankruptcy Monday, September 18th, after borrowing five billion dollars from lenders and failing to pay them back. The company held a press conference today, where things got heated between the media and the company's spokesanimal, Geoffrey the Giraffe.

Things began with a testy exchange as grim-faced Lilly from Highlights Magazine questioned Geoffrey's argument that all retail is dying, not just Toys R Us.

"Investors point out retail’s NOT dying for many companies like Warby Parker, Amazon/Whole Foods, and Apple stores, where customers get a ‘high touch’ and ‘high tech’ experience. What do you think of those hedge funds that say you're a boring a** big box store with a boring a** giraffe spokesanimal?"

Geoffrey shot back with "You know, you media severely underestimate the size of our popularity. I'll have you know this was the largest audience to ever witness a bankruptcy - PERIOD! Both in person and around the globe!”

“Wall Street analysts say that instead of adapting to the new retail paradigm, you failed to keep up,” chimed in Cody from National Geographic Kids Magazine without being called upon. “How do you respond to criticism that you and management should have been focused on scooters instead of hookers?” Geoffrey screamed back "Okay, you don't just get to yell out questions Cody! We're going to raise our hands like big boys and girls! NEXT, LUCY, GO!"

"Toys ‘R’ Us took on billions of debt in a leveraged buy-out. Why the F&@K did you load the balance sheet with debt till your a** fell off? AND SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE F&@K DID YOU DO WITH $5 BILLION DOLLARS?!" scolded Lucy from Scholastic News. Geoffrey suddenly wields a Nerf Foam Grenade Launcher and shoots Lucy, who dives out of the way.

At this point, the conference turned into a melee as Hunter from Thomas and Friends Magazine fired back.

“Hunter ... Hunter, NO! Hunter NO!” Geoffrey yelled as the young journalist shot a dragonoid at Geoffrey’s face with a Bakugan Wrist Launcher. Both eventually laid down their weapons in a sign of truce.

"You guys suck b@lls!" said Alfie from Sports Illustrated Kids. “Lousy in-store customer service. Second-rate website. And your prices are higher than most competitors!”

"I can sense the love in the room, Alfie. By the way, you'd like our newest toy: a vintage Alf doll that poops his pants, just like you!

"Kids want video games and iPads Geoffrey, not Lego's in every other aisle!" Ruby from Ranger Rick Magazine said as she aimed a sling shot at Geoffrey's long giraffe throat. Geoffrey responded "We've been working hard on your behalf. We see time and again an attempt by the media to parse everythi-- egh, egh, egh!" Geoffrey choked, as the sling shot got him right in the Adam's apple. At this point, Geoffrey ran for cover backstage and refused to return.

"Geeeeeofreeeey, Geeeeeoffreeeey, Geeeeeoffreeeeey! We're not leeeeea-ving! We're gonna sit and wait!" the media jeered, until Geoffrey finally came back out. "YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?! Maybe for you!"

Geoffrey popped the lid off a bottle of Xanax and dumped all 40 pills directly into his giraffe mouth, some missing and hitting the floor. He then pulled out a seven-foot-Supersoaker with backpack water tanks and opened fire Scarface-style. All ducked for cover as the water from above rained down on the media until Geoffrey finally keeled over from the overdose of Oxycontin he took before the press conference.

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