NY's Finest Investigating Domestic Dispute Involving Big Bank CEO

Published on 2017-09-29

New York City’s finest are investigating a domestic dispute involving the CEO of one of America’s biggest banks. The incident occurred around midnight on September 14th between Jamie Dimon, CEO of JPMorgan Chase, and his supposed mistress while munching on Mexican at Los Tacos No. 1. A nearby taco muncher captured the dispute on video using his smartphone. We transcribed it below for your convenience:

DIMON: Please don't leave me

MISTRESS: You called me a FRAUD on TV! Millions of people were watching!

DIMON: You’re 21, you’re a hottie and you have unrestrained access to my marijuana plant. Who cares what those people think!?

MISTRESS: My midnight munchies don’t care. But I DO!! Here’s a coin, gimme that carne asada.

DIMON: Look, I was afraid to invest in you at first. I was hurt the last time I bought into technology I didn't understand. Geocities broke my heart.

MISTRESS: I'm not Geocities, you son of a bit**! Look, are there shady things going on in crypto? Of course. But it's still not as shady as the things you and your Wall Street w*ck-offs do!

DIMON: Here's the truth, baby: you're the currency of the future. I get excited everywhere in my body when we’re together. Probably because you’re just so new and revolutionary.

MISTRESS: YOU CALLED ME A FRAUD! If I was a fraud, that assumes there's someone or some group in charge of me. There's not! No one can have their way with me because I'm decentralized!

DIMON: Hmpff.

MISTRESS: You told CNBC "eventually, it will be closed." That's ridiculous! No one can close me. You'd have to close the internet to close me! I'm on blockchain, bit!

DIMON: I know that, baby. I was playing dumb so I could tell my boys to buy up as much of you as possible the next day at a cheaper price! Look here if you don't believe me! You know how your Jamie-poo can get sometimes with money (pouty face)

MISTRESS: Tell me why I shouldn't throw this Aguas Frescas in your face?!

DIMON: I'll never forget the first time I laid eyes on you: your gorgeous body was sprawled out all over the Money & Investing section of the Journal. And then meeting you for the first time had me sweating buckets: you walked into Rob’s virtual online party wearing that stunning red dress.

MISTRESS: You remember my dress?

DIMON: Do I ever?! I knew immediately I had to meet you. I went to the online bathroom to summon up my courage and think of what to say. It was no use; I was totally tongue-tied when I approached you.

MISTRESS: So you just badmouthed me on TV so you can buy more of me?

DIMON: Yes! Look Hotcoins, I run one of the biggest banks in the world. My shareholders are screwed if you become the world's main currency! I say these things so my shareholders don't kick me out.

MISTRESS: What about that 9 foot marijuana plant in your house? Do you love me more than that?

DIMON: Haylll naw, bitcoin! NO ONE gets between me and Mary Jane!

We hope things work out between Mr. Dimon and his buxom Bitcoin. Still, however, much mystery surrounds Dimon’s mistress: is cybercurrency not just for cyberpunks? Is Bitcoin worth owning? What about other cryptocurrencies? Should you invest in an ICO? Maybe it’s better to invest in a mining operation? Maybe you should just buy tulips? We recommend for your reading pleasure: 5 Big Bitcoin Crashes: What We Learned by Jeff John Roberts; Sequoia and Andreessen Horowitz Are Secretly Backing This Cryptocurrency Hedge Fund by Jen Wieczner; and this press release about a strip club’s ICO. You can check out Financial Poise’s thoughts on these subjects here.

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